Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Starting at the End

I had an affair.

I tell my husband that it was an "accident". My feelings slowly developed over a long period of time, and that it "just happened" naturally - it was not a calculated affair. I tell my husband that it was purely emotional with this other man, nothing physical. I tell my husband that I want to see our marriage repaired.

None of those things are true.

My affair was a well-calculated strategy. I put this man into my sights and I actively pursued him in my very skilled, passive-aggressive way. I looked him in the eye and held his gaze, long enough to catch his attention, but not too long. I complimented him and strengthened his ego. I initiated conversations between us, during which I discreetly flirted... just enough to make him wonder if I was interested, but not so much that I was blatantly hitting on him. I regularly, but not too frequently, put myself into his environment. I mixed subtle signs of interest into my professional email correspondence with him. I wanted, and I pursued.

My affair was physical. It remained emotional for quite some time, as was required by my employment. But eventually we met outside of my place of work, and it became physical. Our first encounter included a hug, arm around the shoulders, and brief hand-holding. Our second encounter included a brief, sweet, and highly-anticipated first kiss. Our next several encounters included passionate, sexually-charged kissing and foreplay. Eventually, inevitably, we began engaging in intense and exhausting sex.

I have no intention of salvaging my marriage. I have no interest in my husband. He means nothing to me. I just don't have the ability to end our relationship. We can't afford to live separately. It's impossible. I can't live with him in a constant state of hate (we have a child) so I will pretend to want to work on our marriage until we can afford to separate from each other.

My affair has been both the best and worst decision that I have made in quite some time. My affair made me feel alive, excited, happy, beautiful, and youthful. He made me feel special. He filled a void in my life. He gave me the strength to decide to end my dysfunctional marriage. But my affair ultimately left me feeling used, abandoned, cheap, and gullible. He has sent me straight back to my starting place of emptiness and loneliness.

If I had it all to do again, I'd probably do a few things differently. But for the most part, I wouldn't change anything.

Today, my husband and I still live together. I'm emotionless, and he's a mental case. We fight on occasion, and he says that "at least its some kind of emotion". He threatens to have affairs with multiple women, but I don't care. I sit by my phone, waiting and hoping for contact with the other man. I start every morning attempting to convince myself that he won't contact me, and I'm okay with that - I'm better off without him. As the day proceeds, I become increasingly agitated with his lack of contact. I have a short temper with my son. I text my friends for support. I get angry and decide to just simply ignore him for the rest of my life. And then he texts me, and my bad mood is lifted, and my patience returns, and I fall right back into his trap. I know I'm being used. I know he's lying to me. I just can't break away.

3 comments:

  1. I see that you started this blog a little over a month ago and haven't added to it since. Has something changed? I would love to read more of your story and share our experiences.

    I have a story similar and yet wildly different from yours. I had an emotional affair that put one foot out the door of my marriage, and have been holding the other firmly in it for much longer than I should have. A recent event has triggered my desire to push my way the rest of the way out.

    There are hundreds, thousands of good reasons to end a marriage....and seemingly millions more reasons that they never do. Sometimes we just need someone who gives us the courage to be who we were meant to be....

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  2. You are a selfish bitch

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  3. all these blogs are probably written by the same person.

    It's away to get blog views and earn money on page views through google.

    This person has tons of blogs and probably no longer posts on any of them because the salacious content gets plenty of page views already

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